Tuesday 22nd August

ISOLATION

ISOLATION is my life. I push people away as soon as they get close. Always have. I hate myself and have no understanding of why anyone would seek my company.

Depression I know and have no idea how to change that mindset. Bullshit, I do but physically am not up to exercise. Every single day I contemplate suicide but have for ages. I do not have the courage to do anything about it. Gutless Bastard I am. I know that.

In tears as I write this, thinking of my daughter. She is plenty to live for but in reality I can only think about the disappointment as a father I have been. I know that any impact I can have on Grandkids would be negative. I wish Diabetes would hurry up and end the pain. For years I have heard it will kill me. Yes it makes it painful to live but Diabetes is my only choice to end it all

My eyes are shot, teeth are missing and painful, feet are so painful that walking is difficult and these together with historical back pain, arthritis and impact of stroke keep me at home. Trouble with stairs means tis lucky unit has lift access.

Isolation is all I see in my future.

I have been active on Facebook and Twitter but it is time to do less even on there. Limit my impact on others. Just not smart enough.

I try to get involved in my community at Greensquare, but it is a challenge. Getting others involved is impossible and working with BHC is difficult. I do try and I do go beyond ‘ gunna ‘ Just let myself down. I cannot think of what I can do or where ?

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