CJH SLEEP

Sleep and Me

Constant battle for me. Depression tells me that am tired. Everyday at around about 2pm I start nodding and holding my head up is a challenge. Anxiety keeps my mind turning over. Reviewing my mistakes of the day. Thinking about injustices that have occured in the world and the lies that Politicians have spread to spin the truth. Anger rises and does not help with sleep.

Physical pain also has its challenges. I do not and have not looked after myself. I have long term type 2 diabetes with Pain in feet and lots of old age pain, I walk with a walker and have bad balance after minor strokes. I really do little physical activity each day and I know that if I did sleep would be easier.

I know lots of people listen to the radio and I have tried that. Talkback soon makes me angry, tried nature sounds but for some reason they all include a crack of lightening which sends me off the bed. I have a few music albums that I do trust, Gurrumul is the most reliable. I do turn off all technology because I try to help people on a worldwide basis which means it is not midnight everywhere.

Sadly for my state of mind but it keeps my rent cheap, I have a nightclub across the street. They do challenge me, but not so much with volumn but with the sudden outbreak of laughter or the occasional burst of ‘Happy Birthday’ I concede that these make some happy but do startle me.

I do have pills to help me sleep but tis quitening my mind that is my failure. Trying to solve the worlds issues or at least to understand them. Last night I was obsessed about Trumps mental state and what to call it. The current discussion re sexual harassment i have yegt to get a handle on. As an old bald fat bloke sex has never been high in my life. Will talk about it on a blog soon.

I try to sleep around 10pm usually without sucess until after 12. Up and down to the loo through the night with Diabetes and finally concede the fight at 5am. Check Facebook that all is well then catch up on News from TV to see what the gameplayers in politics have been up to.

Sleepwise, I have had success with Audio Books and have enjoyed a few Peter Fitzsimmons tomes and am currently enjoying The Eureaka Stockade.

Trying some Lavender Aromatherapy at present

Most nights I stress about my relationship with my daughter which keeps my mind racing.

Well that is sleep and me, Next week will be Mindfulness week as this has helped me

The above is from the opening of a school in Uganda, very exciting

CJHFRIEND CAM

Planning

I have been busy trying to organise things including myself. Starting with Websites. http://www.udeserverespect.com and http://www.humanrightsrangers.com both are up and running. I have also been busy starting a Global Peer Support Group for Mental Health

ji

Trying to Empower Mental Health Friend and also Recovery Friend

I have made some good friends but it is disappointing that I do not get to meet t hem all when they travel to Brisbane. Because I have been busy my own Mental Health has been good

I am trying to Colour my World with a group on Facebook. I use these beautiful pics to help with my mindfulness meditation

Just trying to do whatever I can to support groups in their battle for change

  • Abooriginal
  • Stand against Violence
  • Refugees just seeking truth

The webpages are up and running but not finalised. Will need to spend some money to set up some stationery.

Lots to do, and mant errors will be made.

To support some dear friends I am involved with Domestic Vioence on PNG and am learning lots re orceryRelated Violence.

Election is over here in Queensland. Hope means Politicians will tell truth. The election was the first with preferential voting and the vote count was hard to follow.

Australia won the first Ashes Test today. First time in 40 years that have not followed on ABC Radio. I get confusdd with commefcial rights just where to find sport in Qld

Classroom has official Opening in Buhanga, Uganda. Very exciting there and I am thrilled. Together We Learn. Thank you Merry and Kerry for your help and support

 

 

 

 

Sunday 10th WSPD

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and yes today I am talking about Suicide. There may be Triggers with in the following so check your reactions and stop if causes distress. Walk away if needed, get a drink, breathe and/or seek company. This will not be gruesome and importantly I AM SAFE. So please dont worry about me. The plan is to speak from my heart. Remember please that it is PREVENTION DAY.

Physically I am 190 cms and 116 kg. Every single day my waking thoughts are usually disappointment in that I am alive. Anxiety builds and I do a Body Scan Meditation and breathe deep. I notice that I feel pain in my body. So laying in bed, i recognise the pain in Shoulders and Back ( a lot ) and for years. Usually my mind then turns to how hopeless I am and how useless I am. Over time I have created a routine to get me started and moving.

Early in the am i seek positive affirmations that are personally meaningful. Perhaps help someone around the world but I do look at Facebook to look at follow up or questions. Usually after an hour I head to the shower. Due to Diabetes my bowels are not good and have woken a few times to urinate.

So have toiletry worries, never pleasant.

Cleaning Teeth is next, but after years of Abuse and an addiction to Coke Zero involving 6 litres daily on average, I have had teeth removed and still a lil pain. But cleaning my teeth is a lil pick me up and on the days I dont clean my teeth are usually my hardest. After my teeth, time for a mindful shower. Watching my time, I appreciate the feeling of water on my body, feels great in my limited hair. Notice the feeling of soap on my body all good. I have a rail in my shower as closing my eyes and also looking downwards makes me unsteady on my feet. I fall a couple of times a week but rarely in the shower. Carefully I step out of shower and dry myself.

Next it is time for pills. Take all prescribed pills each morning and 4 added paracetamol pain relief. Getting dressed is the next challenge as looking downwards is a requirement. Usually with help from a waii or my bed, the job gets done. Footwear is a challenge both with pain and balance. Success usually but rarely wear shoes inside. Pain usually 6/10 in both feet due to Nueropathy from Diabetes. Feels like I have permenent socks on with pain 5/10

So am dressed and start to review the day ahead. Mostly decide that cannot go for walk due to pain. Walking very painful on my feet and uneven surfaces always unbalance me. Very rare to find a suitable surface in the city. Stick keeps me upright but have trouble with stairs and with gutters. Everything I do, I do on the computer so each morning I set daily goals, which I also ponder each night before sleep. Each morning i have something to eat. Mostly toast and baked beans Always 1 litre of coke. I buy 2 avocados a week to vary with baked beans.

I isolate myself for many reasons. I hate myself and achieve little ever. I realise that these thoughts are not true and imbalanced. I have done CBT a few times so I do challenge these thoughts. The fact that i am still alive, i guess does show success. I think that psychologist see the evidence of success and know that my suicidal thoughts will not happen. I am not so sure as have tried to kill myself twice. The fact without success is evidence of how useless I am. I wonder if these thoughts are some kind of OCD thing. So isolating myself is also because I am a harsh judge of myself in Personal Interractions. I live in Social Housing and the only people I talk to have their own problems and i do not cope and always trying to help. Cannot go out my door without being set a challenge to help another resident. I try to be positive with others but am not with myself.

Long story I am sorry, bjt a few things to mention before i finish today.

Longterm Chronic Pain is an issue Diabetes, Osteoarthritis and Back pain caused by a few unsuccessful operations. Have been told Diabetes will kill me but hurry please. I do take my pills each morning but am non compliant most nights. I want to die soon. Diabetes is a slow death, slow and painful, Not talking about allows me to resist the pain.

Overthinking is also a big problem. Usually negative and mostly illinformed. I do try to distract myself with zero lasting success. The other thing to mention is that my family have become distant. Due to my behaviors and my pushing them away. This does cause distress and more overthinking.

I have pushed away all doctors due to Diabetes. If I end up in hospital, they will not release me until Diabetes is under control. Despite tis the Diabetes that I am counting on to end my pain and the mess I made of my life.

I am very fortunate that I have good friends on Facebook that when needed provide meaningful support. They maybe Facebook but most are very real and very important.

I empathise with the poor and opressed. Docs and Friends tell me I care too much. I am not going to stop caring.

I have zero sense of fun or enjoyment. I like helping people and kindness has become my personal Reason Detre

I am safe in Isolation