Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and yes today I am talking about Suicide. There may be Triggers with in the following so check your reactions and stop if causes distress. Walk away if needed, get a drink, breathe and/or seek company. This will not be gruesome and importantly I AM SAFE. So please dont worry about me. The plan is to speak from my heart. Remember please that it is PREVENTION DAY.
Physically I am 190 cms and 116 kg. Every single day my waking thoughts are usually disappointment in that I am alive. Anxiety builds and I do a Body Scan Meditation and breathe deep. I notice that I feel pain in my body. So laying in bed, i recognise the pain in Shoulders and Back ( a lot ) and for years. Usually my mind then turns to how hopeless I am and how useless I am. Over time I have created a routine to get me started and moving.
Early in the am i seek positive affirmations that are personally meaningful. Perhaps help someone around the world but I do look at Facebook to look at follow up or questions. Usually after an hour I head to the shower. Due to Diabetes my bowels are not good and have woken a few times to urinate.
So have toiletry worries, never pleasant.
Cleaning Teeth is next, but after years of Abuse and an addiction to Coke Zero involving 6 litres daily on average, I have had teeth removed and still a lil pain. But cleaning my teeth is a lil pick me up and on the days I dont clean my teeth are usually my hardest. After my teeth, time for a mindful shower. Watching my time, I appreciate the feeling of water on my body, feels great in my limited hair. Notice the feeling of soap on my body all good. I have a rail in my shower as closing my eyes and also looking downwards makes me unsteady on my feet. I fall a couple of times a week but rarely in the shower. Carefully I step out of shower and dry myself.
Next it is time for pills. Take all prescribed pills each morning and 4 added paracetamol pain relief. Getting dressed is the next challenge as looking downwards is a requirement. Usually with help from a waii or my bed, the job gets done. Footwear is a challenge both with pain and balance. Success usually but rarely wear shoes inside. Pain usually 6/10 in both feet due to Nueropathy from Diabetes. Feels like I have permenent socks on with pain 5/10
So am dressed and start to review the day ahead. Mostly decide that cannot go for walk due to pain. Walking very painful on my feet and uneven surfaces always unbalance me. Very rare to find a suitable surface in the city. Stick keeps me upright but have trouble with stairs and with gutters. Everything I do, I do on the computer so each morning I set daily goals, which I also ponder each night before sleep. Each morning i have something to eat. Mostly toast and baked beans Always 1 litre of coke. I buy 2 avocados a week to vary with baked beans.
I isolate myself for many reasons. I hate myself and achieve little ever. I realise that these thoughts are not true and imbalanced. I have done CBT a few times so I do challenge these thoughts. The fact that i am still alive, i guess does show success. I think that psychologist see the evidence of success and know that my suicidal thoughts will not happen. I am not so sure as have tried to kill myself twice. The fact without success is evidence of how useless I am. I wonder if these thoughts are some kind of OCD thing. So isolating myself is also because I am a harsh judge of myself in Personal Interractions. I live in Social Housing and the only people I talk to have their own problems and i do not cope and always trying to help. Cannot go out my door without being set a challenge to help another resident. I try to be positive with others but am not with myself.
Long story I am sorry, bjt a few things to mention before i finish today.
Longterm Chronic Pain is an issue Diabetes, Osteoarthritis and Back pain caused by a few unsuccessful operations. Have been told Diabetes will kill me but hurry please. I do take my pills each morning but am non compliant most nights. I want to die soon. Diabetes is a slow death, slow and painful, Not talking about allows me to resist the pain.
Overthinking is also a big problem. Usually negative and mostly illinformed. I do try to distract myself with zero lasting success. The other thing to mention is that my family have become distant. Due to my behaviors and my pushing them away. This does cause distress and more overthinking.
I have pushed away all doctors due to Diabetes. If I end up in hospital, they will not release me until Diabetes is under control. Despite tis the Diabetes that I am counting on to end my pain and the mess I made of my life.
I am very fortunate that I have good friends on Facebook that when needed provide meaningful support. They maybe Facebook but most are very real and very important.
I empathise with the poor and opressed. Docs and Friends tell me I care too much. I am not going to stop caring.
I have zero sense of fun or enjoyment. I like helping people and kindness has become my personal Reason Detre
I am safe in Isolation