CJH SLEEP

Sleep and Me

Constant battle for me. Depression tells me that am tired. Everyday at around about 2pm I start nodding and holding my head up is a challenge. Anxiety keeps my mind turning over. Reviewing my mistakes of the day. Thinking about injustices that have occured in the world and the lies that Politicians have spread to spin the truth. Anger rises and does not help with sleep.

Physical pain also has its challenges. I do not and have not looked after myself. I have long term type 2 diabetes with Pain in feet and lots of old age pain, I walk with a walker and have bad balance after minor strokes. I really do little physical activity each day and I know that if I did sleep would be easier.

I know lots of people listen to the radio and I have tried that. Talkback soon makes me angry, tried nature sounds but for some reason they all include a crack of lightening which sends me off the bed. I have a few music albums that I do trust, Gurrumul is the most reliable. I do turn off all technology because I try to help people on a worldwide basis which means it is not midnight everywhere.

Sadly for my state of mind but it keeps my rent cheap, I have a nightclub across the street. They do challenge me, but not so much with volumn but with the sudden outbreak of laughter or the occasional burst of ‘Happy Birthday’ I concede that these make some happy but do startle me.

I do have pills to help me sleep but tis quitening my mind that is my failure. Trying to solve the worlds issues or at least to understand them. Last night I was obsessed about Trumps mental state and what to call it. The current discussion re sexual harassment i have yegt to get a handle on. As an old bald fat bloke sex has never been high in my life. Will talk about it on a blog soon.

I try to sleep around 10pm usually without sucess until after 12. Up and down to the loo through the night with Diabetes and finally concede the fight at 5am. Check Facebook that all is well then catch up on News from TV to see what the gameplayers in politics have been up to.

Sleepwise, I have had success with Audio Books and have enjoyed a few Peter Fitzsimmons tomes and am currently enjoying The Eureaka Stockade.

Trying some Lavender Aromatherapy at present

Most nights I stress about my relationship with my daughter which keeps my mind racing.

Well that is sleep and me, Next week will be Mindfulness week as this has helped me

The above is from the opening of a school in Uganda, very exciting

CJHFRIEND CAM

BRAIN Sleep

Hello,

I share a bit more re sleep. This time sleep in the Brain

Tomorrow I will discuss my sleep and my daily struggle to find good sleep

Sleep Well Everyone.

Thanks to Dana for this post

The role of sleep has long baffled scientists, but the latest research is providing new indicators about what it does for both the brain and body.

While scientists believe that sleep re-energizes the body’s cells, clears waste from the brain, and supports learning and memory, much still needs to be learned about the part it plays in regulating mood, appetite, and libido.

http://www.dana.org/Cerebrum/2017/The_Sleeping_Brain/

Sleep

Thanks to Rachel Kelly


The role of sleep and one’s mental health

A goodnight’s sleep enables processing and consolidation of information from your day, and provides your body with time to rest and recuperate, so is vital for physical and mental well-being.

Worries/anxieties e.g. about health, money, family or work, may impact the quality and restfulness of sleep. Sleep can also be disrupted in a number of mental health problems including low mood/depression, psychosis, bipolar disorder, and in the context of dementia and head injury. Problems sleeping may be a sign of increased vulnerability to poor mental health.

On going to bed, lying in the quiet and darkness, trying to get to sleep, you may find your mind starts racing with thoughts and you are unable to switch off – every possible action and consequence is reviewed, along with the ‘what if …?s”. The perceived worry/problem is going round and round your head like a ball bouncing off a wall, and just won’t stop or go away.

When it’s time to get up, you feel unrefreshed and unrested because the problem is still there, and you may find yourself approaching the day in a negative mindset. This negative mindset may further impact your mood and energy levels. Grumpiness and lethargy are common, and possibly accompanied with muscle ache/weakness and stomach pains. The problem/worry is still consuming your thoughts, most likely escalating in severity, as you are constantly focusing on it – but perhaps you are building a mountain out of a molehill as the worry/problem weighs heavier on your mind

https://www.rachel-kelly.net/the-role-of-sleep-and-ones-mental-health/

WED 13TH Sept

Hope all are okay When I am confused

I push people away.

I have tried to connect locally but is just not going to happen.

Taking a deep breathe and retreating to my room.

Never to show my face again. I am safe, but lonely and bored. The good people I support on Facebook have realised that I am worthless as a supporter and am just hard work. Again retreating.

Suicide Prevention Week has opened my eyes to some stuff and some people. I am not afraid to talk suicide but I am sure that the talk upsets some. I am truly sorry for any that I have upset.

Thinking about all Med Certs issued for Mental Health Issues. Any F…ing follow up from Doc or Employer,!!!!!!! Research shows that these are the people killing themselves.

THE SYSTEM IS KILLING.

What to do ?

Listen to people. More than 15 mins or an hour. My greatest helper was a nurse who listened as she bandaged my foot. Respect individuals. All are different and have own stories. I have asked for support but they never last long as all want me to fit into a Pigeon Hole. Depression leads to Anger and Frustration. Self Loathing follows quickly as I accept the blame for things not working.

Thank you all who have supported me. If you have spoken to me, including online, you have made a difference.

REPEATING I AM SAFE

CONFUSED, DEPRESSED, ANGRY, Frustrated but I AM TRYING

Bloody Internet down now

Yours in Kindness

Cameron

Sunday 10th WSPD

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and yes today I am talking about Suicide. There may be Triggers with in the following so check your reactions and stop if causes distress. Walk away if needed, get a drink, breathe and/or seek company. This will not be gruesome and importantly I AM SAFE. So please dont worry about me. The plan is to speak from my heart. Remember please that it is PREVENTION DAY.

Physically I am 190 cms and 116 kg. Every single day my waking thoughts are usually disappointment in that I am alive. Anxiety builds and I do a Body Scan Meditation and breathe deep. I notice that I feel pain in my body. So laying in bed, i recognise the pain in Shoulders and Back ( a lot ) and for years. Usually my mind then turns to how hopeless I am and how useless I am. Over time I have created a routine to get me started and moving.

Early in the am i seek positive affirmations that are personally meaningful. Perhaps help someone around the world but I do look at Facebook to look at follow up or questions. Usually after an hour I head to the shower. Due to Diabetes my bowels are not good and have woken a few times to urinate.

So have toiletry worries, never pleasant.

Cleaning Teeth is next, but after years of Abuse and an addiction to Coke Zero involving 6 litres daily on average, I have had teeth removed and still a lil pain. But cleaning my teeth is a lil pick me up and on the days I dont clean my teeth are usually my hardest. After my teeth, time for a mindful shower. Watching my time, I appreciate the feeling of water on my body, feels great in my limited hair. Notice the feeling of soap on my body all good. I have a rail in my shower as closing my eyes and also looking downwards makes me unsteady on my feet. I fall a couple of times a week but rarely in the shower. Carefully I step out of shower and dry myself.

Next it is time for pills. Take all prescribed pills each morning and 4 added paracetamol pain relief. Getting dressed is the next challenge as looking downwards is a requirement. Usually with help from a waii or my bed, the job gets done. Footwear is a challenge both with pain and balance. Success usually but rarely wear shoes inside. Pain usually 6/10 in both feet due to Nueropathy from Diabetes. Feels like I have permenent socks on with pain 5/10

So am dressed and start to review the day ahead. Mostly decide that cannot go for walk due to pain. Walking very painful on my feet and uneven surfaces always unbalance me. Very rare to find a suitable surface in the city. Stick keeps me upright but have trouble with stairs and with gutters. Everything I do, I do on the computer so each morning I set daily goals, which I also ponder each night before sleep. Each morning i have something to eat. Mostly toast and baked beans Always 1 litre of coke. I buy 2 avocados a week to vary with baked beans.

I isolate myself for many reasons. I hate myself and achieve little ever. I realise that these thoughts are not true and imbalanced. I have done CBT a few times so I do challenge these thoughts. The fact that i am still alive, i guess does show success. I think that psychologist see the evidence of success and know that my suicidal thoughts will not happen. I am not so sure as have tried to kill myself twice. The fact without success is evidence of how useless I am. I wonder if these thoughts are some kind of OCD thing. So isolating myself is also because I am a harsh judge of myself in Personal Interractions. I live in Social Housing and the only people I talk to have their own problems and i do not cope and always trying to help. Cannot go out my door without being set a challenge to help another resident. I try to be positive with others but am not with myself.

Long story I am sorry, bjt a few things to mention before i finish today.

Longterm Chronic Pain is an issue Diabetes, Osteoarthritis and Back pain caused by a few unsuccessful operations. Have been told Diabetes will kill me but hurry please. I do take my pills each morning but am non compliant most nights. I want to die soon. Diabetes is a slow death, slow and painful, Not talking about allows me to resist the pain.

Overthinking is also a big problem. Usually negative and mostly illinformed. I do try to distract myself with zero lasting success. The other thing to mention is that my family have become distant. Due to my behaviors and my pushing them away. This does cause distress and more overthinking.

I have pushed away all doctors due to Diabetes. If I end up in hospital, they will not release me until Diabetes is under control. Despite tis the Diabetes that I am counting on to end my pain and the mess I made of my life.

I am very fortunate that I have good friends on Facebook that when needed provide meaningful support. They maybe Facebook but most are very real and very important.

I empathise with the poor and opressed. Docs and Friends tell me I care too much. I am not going to stop caring.

I have zero sense of fun or enjoyment. I like helping people and kindness has become my personal Reason Detre

I am safe in Isolation

Tuesday 22nd August

ISOLATION

ISOLATION is my life. I push people away as soon as they get close. Always have. I hate myself and have no understanding of why anyone would seek my company.

Depression I know and have no idea how to change that mindset. Bullshit, I do but physically am not up to exercise. Every single day I contemplate suicide but have for ages. I do not have the courage to do anything about it. Gutless Bastard I am. I know that.

In tears as I write this, thinking of my daughter. She is plenty to live for but in reality I can only think about the disappointment as a father I have been. I know that any impact I can have on Grandkids would be negative. I wish Diabetes would hurry up and end the pain. For years I have heard it will kill me. Yes it makes it painful to live but Diabetes is my only choice to end it all

My eyes are shot, teeth are missing and painful, feet are so painful that walking is difficult and these together with historical back pain, arthritis and impact of stroke keep me at home. Trouble with stairs means tis lucky unit has lift access.

Isolation is all I see in my future.

I have been active on Facebook and Twitter but it is time to do less even on there. Limit my impact on others. Just not smart enough.

I try to get involved in my community at Greensquare, but it is a challenge. Getting others involved is impossible and working with BHC is difficult. I do try and I do go beyond ‘ gunna ‘ Just let myself down. I cannot think of what I can do or where ?