PNG

Quote from a friend

How many lives have to be sacrificed, through lack of basic human rights and basic services, to bolster the pride of some leaders through “status” projects like South Pacific Games and APEC?

Papua New Guineans are dying like flies; old, young, children, babies, mamas; because of the lack of even the most basic health services.

In the Human Development Index, PNG is ranked 154/188.
40% of our population is under the age of 14 years.
Infant Mortality Rate is 58/1000
Maternal Mortality Rate is 733/100,000
Gender Equity Index PNG is ranked 143/157
Only 28.6% of the population have access to potable water
Churches run about half of the Health and Education systems
PNG’s Human Development Index ranking is only above Timor Leste and Afghanistan in the Asia/Pacific region

How much was spent on staging the South Pacific Games? How much will hosting APEC cost the nation?
How many lives would that save if invested in our human capital, through basic health services?

How can priorities be so “off”?
Peoples lives are more valuable than prestige for a few…….surely!

As the sun went down yesterday, so did the life of a beautiful young man who died because PNG does not have adequate health services even in the capital Port Moresby. A young wife and little daughter now left heartbroken and alone.

For what? Smart buildings!

Those who make the decisions on priority spending will never face the loss and grief of this young family, because they all have access to world class health facilities overseas when they, or their family, get sick.

While the majority dig holes and bury their dead, the fat cats live in luxury.

CJH SLEEP

Sleep and Me

Constant battle for me. Depression tells me that am tired. Everyday at around about 2pm I start nodding and holding my head up is a challenge. Anxiety keeps my mind turning over. Reviewing my mistakes of the day. Thinking about injustices that have occured in the world and the lies that Politicians have spread to spin the truth. Anger rises and does not help with sleep.

Physical pain also has its challenges. I do not and have not looked after myself. I have long term type 2 diabetes with Pain in feet and lots of old age pain, I walk with a walker and have bad balance after minor strokes. I really do little physical activity each day and I know that if I did sleep would be easier.

I know lots of people listen to the radio and I have tried that. Talkback soon makes me angry, tried nature sounds but for some reason they all include a crack of lightening which sends me off the bed. I have a few music albums that I do trust, Gurrumul is the most reliable. I do turn off all technology because I try to help people on a worldwide basis which means it is not midnight everywhere.

Sadly for my state of mind but it keeps my rent cheap, I have a nightclub across the street. They do challenge me, but not so much with volumn but with the sudden outbreak of laughter or the occasional burst of ‘Happy Birthday’ I concede that these make some happy but do startle me.

I do have pills to help me sleep but tis quitening my mind that is my failure. Trying to solve the worlds issues or at least to understand them. Last night I was obsessed about Trumps mental state and what to call it. The current discussion re sexual harassment i have yegt to get a handle on. As an old bald fat bloke sex has never been high in my life. Will talk about it on a blog soon.

I try to sleep around 10pm usually without sucess until after 12. Up and down to the loo through the night with Diabetes and finally concede the fight at 5am. Check Facebook that all is well then catch up on News from TV to see what the gameplayers in politics have been up to.

Sleepwise, I have had success with Audio Books and have enjoyed a few Peter Fitzsimmons tomes and am currently enjoying The Eureaka Stockade.

Trying some Lavender Aromatherapy at present

Most nights I stress about my relationship with my daughter which keeps my mind racing.

Well that is sleep and me, Next week will be Mindfulness week as this has helped me

The above is from the opening of a school in Uganda, very exciting

CJHFRIEND CAM

Sept Donations

This month I have made small donations to

  • Buhanga School
  • Indigenous Literacy Fund
  • ASRC
  • Soldier On
  • Sunshine Coast Fire
  • Barwon School

Feel comfortable with the above. Actions supporting my words and special people.

Judy Atkinson, Judy Williams, Marie Camporeale, Fiona McLennan, Tess Ryan, Meredith Newman Debens, Bec and Tom Guinane, Jamie and Rima Dalton, Margaret Hayes and Bronwyn Fredericks, Jane Skillcome, Vanessa Comiskey, have all been special to me this month.

Special mention to a couple of friends from Overseas,

Pamela Wood Mack, Jackie Mercer, Mary Vaughn Berthiaume, Charlene Sunkel.

A lady always on my mind and who keeps me behaving myself Thelma Phieffer

WED 13TH Sept

Hope all are okay When I am confused

I push people away.

I have tried to connect locally but is just not going to happen.

Taking a deep breathe and retreating to my room.

Never to show my face again. I am safe, but lonely and bored. The good people I support on Facebook have realised that I am worthless as a supporter and am just hard work. Again retreating.

Suicide Prevention Week has opened my eyes to some stuff and some people. I am not afraid to talk suicide but I am sure that the talk upsets some. I am truly sorry for any that I have upset.

Thinking about all Med Certs issued for Mental Health Issues. Any F…ing follow up from Doc or Employer,!!!!!!! Research shows that these are the people killing themselves.

THE SYSTEM IS KILLING.

What to do ?

Listen to people. More than 15 mins or an hour. My greatest helper was a nurse who listened as she bandaged my foot. Respect individuals. All are different and have own stories. I have asked for support but they never last long as all want me to fit into a Pigeon Hole. Depression leads to Anger and Frustration. Self Loathing follows quickly as I accept the blame for things not working.

Thank you all who have supported me. If you have spoken to me, including online, you have made a difference.

REPEATING I AM SAFE

CONFUSED, DEPRESSED, ANGRY, Frustrated but I AM TRYING

Bloody Internet down now

Yours in Kindness

Cameron

Sunday 10th WSPD

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and yes today I am talking about Suicide. There may be Triggers with in the following so check your reactions and stop if causes distress. Walk away if needed, get a drink, breathe and/or seek company. This will not be gruesome and importantly I AM SAFE. So please dont worry about me. The plan is to speak from my heart. Remember please that it is PREVENTION DAY.

Physically I am 190 cms and 116 kg. Every single day my waking thoughts are usually disappointment in that I am alive. Anxiety builds and I do a Body Scan Meditation and breathe deep. I notice that I feel pain in my body. So laying in bed, i recognise the pain in Shoulders and Back ( a lot ) and for years. Usually my mind then turns to how hopeless I am and how useless I am. Over time I have created a routine to get me started and moving.

Early in the am i seek positive affirmations that are personally meaningful. Perhaps help someone around the world but I do look at Facebook to look at follow up or questions. Usually after an hour I head to the shower. Due to Diabetes my bowels are not good and have woken a few times to urinate.

So have toiletry worries, never pleasant.

Cleaning Teeth is next, but after years of Abuse and an addiction to Coke Zero involving 6 litres daily on average, I have had teeth removed and still a lil pain. But cleaning my teeth is a lil pick me up and on the days I dont clean my teeth are usually my hardest. After my teeth, time for a mindful shower. Watching my time, I appreciate the feeling of water on my body, feels great in my limited hair. Notice the feeling of soap on my body all good. I have a rail in my shower as closing my eyes and also looking downwards makes me unsteady on my feet. I fall a couple of times a week but rarely in the shower. Carefully I step out of shower and dry myself.

Next it is time for pills. Take all prescribed pills each morning and 4 added paracetamol pain relief. Getting dressed is the next challenge as looking downwards is a requirement. Usually with help from a waii or my bed, the job gets done. Footwear is a challenge both with pain and balance. Success usually but rarely wear shoes inside. Pain usually 6/10 in both feet due to Nueropathy from Diabetes. Feels like I have permenent socks on with pain 5/10

So am dressed and start to review the day ahead. Mostly decide that cannot go for walk due to pain. Walking very painful on my feet and uneven surfaces always unbalance me. Very rare to find a suitable surface in the city. Stick keeps me upright but have trouble with stairs and with gutters. Everything I do, I do on the computer so each morning I set daily goals, which I also ponder each night before sleep. Each morning i have something to eat. Mostly toast and baked beans Always 1 litre of coke. I buy 2 avocados a week to vary with baked beans.

I isolate myself for many reasons. I hate myself and achieve little ever. I realise that these thoughts are not true and imbalanced. I have done CBT a few times so I do challenge these thoughts. The fact that i am still alive, i guess does show success. I think that psychologist see the evidence of success and know that my suicidal thoughts will not happen. I am not so sure as have tried to kill myself twice. The fact without success is evidence of how useless I am. I wonder if these thoughts are some kind of OCD thing. So isolating myself is also because I am a harsh judge of myself in Personal Interractions. I live in Social Housing and the only people I talk to have their own problems and i do not cope and always trying to help. Cannot go out my door without being set a challenge to help another resident. I try to be positive with others but am not with myself.

Long story I am sorry, bjt a few things to mention before i finish today.

Longterm Chronic Pain is an issue Diabetes, Osteoarthritis and Back pain caused by a few unsuccessful operations. Have been told Diabetes will kill me but hurry please. I do take my pills each morning but am non compliant most nights. I want to die soon. Diabetes is a slow death, slow and painful, Not talking about allows me to resist the pain.

Overthinking is also a big problem. Usually negative and mostly illinformed. I do try to distract myself with zero lasting success. The other thing to mention is that my family have become distant. Due to my behaviors and my pushing them away. This does cause distress and more overthinking.

I have pushed away all doctors due to Diabetes. If I end up in hospital, they will not release me until Diabetes is under control. Despite tis the Diabetes that I am counting on to end my pain and the mess I made of my life.

I am very fortunate that I have good friends on Facebook that when needed provide meaningful support. They maybe Facebook but most are very real and very important.

I empathise with the poor and opressed. Docs and Friends tell me I care too much. I am not going to stop caring.

I have zero sense of fun or enjoyment. I like helping people and kindness has become my personal Reason Detre

I am safe in Isolation

Monday 14th August

Wow a big weekend around home.

A tenant here asked me to open an outside door for her. Being my naive self I said yes. There was a guy waiting with her. Dropped a box and left. I yelled at him that I was not waiting at the same time letting her know I would. She slyly reached out and unlocked the latch and other people entered.

I let her know was not good form

A frjend at Sunshine Coast found a lady sitting on roadside in a lil shock, said her unit had burned. 2 children, Centrelink no help. I was very impressed with her kindness as helped the lady for a few days. The kindness of some people knows no bounds.

My Sunday Games session here again messed up. Just Rachel turned up as others were ill. Room had been double booked so just chatted with Rachel and went home. Discovered today that organisor had forgot to book room. I spent money organising bikkies and things but did not care. Losing enthusiasm for delivering activities.

Bec contacted re catching up so will happen on Wed Afternoon. Very concerned re parking and traffic but will see.

Had a smile on my dial today as a dear friend let me know had left husband.

Spent some time on weekend thinking about ” if I had wings, where would I fly to ” some very nice ladies posted and it was nice thinking about spending time in peace with others

Another friend had me remembering the Weis Mango Bar from Toowoomba. Has been to long but will hunt one down.

Health is not good but nobody cares.

Tis mostly self inflicted so no complaining. Onwards and Upwards.

The lady alone has got me thinking that just maybe …

Till tomorrow