Thanks to Rachel Kelly
Thanks to Rachel Kelly
Wow a great weekend of sport results.
My AFL tean Richmond Tigers won through to Grand Final. Then Dustin Martin won the Brownlow Medal for best and fairest in the game. Huge day ahead this Saturday, playing Adelaide Crows who aee Favourites.
North Queensland Cowboys won through to the Rugby League Grand Final by beating the bully boys , Sydney Roosters. Another huge day this Sunday as they play the slick, Melbourne Storm who are big favourites.
It is that time of year that big things happen in the Australian World of Sport. Usually a heart breaking time for me, but I am already excited bu achievements for the year
This week I havw stuck my beak into a few issues
Thanks to the support of many, I am on the bounce in my personal Mental Health. How long it will last I am not sure but I am confident that I will contue to fight. Very keen to arrange chats with my facebook friends and perhaps a coffee.
Jealous of Deon who is in Northern Territory chasing big Barramundi. I can only dream
September is ending so am planning for October and checking how my yearly goals are going, as only a few months left to get things done
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and yes today I am talking about Suicide. There may be Triggers with in the following so check your reactions and stop if causes distress. Walk away if needed, get a drink, breathe and/or seek company. This will not be gruesome and importantly I AM SAFE. So please dont worry about me. The plan is to speak from my heart. Remember please that it is PREVENTION DAY.
Physically I am 190 cms and 116 kg. Every single day my waking thoughts are usually disappointment in that I am alive. Anxiety builds and I do a Body Scan Meditation and breathe deep. I notice that I feel pain in my body. So laying in bed, i recognise the pain in Shoulders and Back ( a lot ) and for years. Usually my mind then turns to how hopeless I am and how useless I am. Over time I have created a routine to get me started and moving.
Early in the am i seek positive affirmations that are personally meaningful. Perhaps help someone around the world but I do look at Facebook to look at follow up or questions. Usually after an hour I head to the shower. Due to Diabetes my bowels are not good and have woken a few times to urinate.
So have toiletry worries, never pleasant.
Cleaning Teeth is next, but after years of Abuse and an addiction to Coke Zero involving 6 litres daily on average, I have had teeth removed and still a lil pain. But cleaning my teeth is a lil pick me up and on the days I dont clean my teeth are usually my hardest. After my teeth, time for a mindful shower. Watching my time, I appreciate the feeling of water on my body, feels great in my limited hair. Notice the feeling of soap on my body all good. I have a rail in my shower as closing my eyes and also looking downwards makes me unsteady on my feet. I fall a couple of times a week but rarely in the shower. Carefully I step out of shower and dry myself.
Next it is time for pills. Take all prescribed pills each morning and 4 added paracetamol pain relief. Getting dressed is the next challenge as looking downwards is a requirement. Usually with help from a waii or my bed, the job gets done. Footwear is a challenge both with pain and balance. Success usually but rarely wear shoes inside. Pain usually 6/10 in both feet due to Nueropathy from Diabetes. Feels like I have permenent socks on with pain 5/10
So am dressed and start to review the day ahead. Mostly decide that cannot go for walk due to pain. Walking very painful on my feet and uneven surfaces always unbalance me. Very rare to find a suitable surface in the city. Stick keeps me upright but have trouble with stairs and with gutters. Everything I do, I do on the computer so each morning I set daily goals, which I also ponder each night before sleep. Each morning i have something to eat. Mostly toast and baked beans Always 1 litre of coke. I buy 2 avocados a week to vary with baked beans.
I isolate myself for many reasons. I hate myself and achieve little ever. I realise that these thoughts are not true and imbalanced. I have done CBT a few times so I do challenge these thoughts. The fact that i am still alive, i guess does show success. I think that psychologist see the evidence of success and know that my suicidal thoughts will not happen. I am not so sure as have tried to kill myself twice. The fact without success is evidence of how useless I am. I wonder if these thoughts are some kind of OCD thing. So isolating myself is also because I am a harsh judge of myself in Personal Interractions. I live in Social Housing and the only people I talk to have their own problems and i do not cope and always trying to help. Cannot go out my door without being set a challenge to help another resident. I try to be positive with others but am not with myself.
Long story I am sorry, bjt a few things to mention before i finish today.
Longterm Chronic Pain is an issue Diabetes, Osteoarthritis and Back pain caused by a few unsuccessful operations. Have been told Diabetes will kill me but hurry please. I do take my pills each morning but am non compliant most nights. I want to die soon. Diabetes is a slow death, slow and painful, Not talking about allows me to resist the pain.
Overthinking is also a big problem. Usually negative and mostly illinformed. I do try to distract myself with zero lasting success. The other thing to mention is that my family have become distant. Due to my behaviors and my pushing them away. This does cause distress and more overthinking.
I have pushed away all doctors due to Diabetes. If I end up in hospital, they will not release me until Diabetes is under control. Despite tis the Diabetes that I am counting on to end my pain and the mess I made of my life.
I am very fortunate that I have good friends on Facebook that when needed provide meaningful support. They maybe Facebook but most are very real and very important.
I empathise with the poor and opressed. Docs and Friends tell me I care too much. I am not going to stop caring.
I have zero sense of fun or enjoyment. I like helping people and kindness has become my personal Reason Detre
I am safe in Isolation
The following is a summary of Mental Health issues in the area based on news reports and personal research.
Worldwide Poverty, Trauma, Human Rights Violations are common and cause Mental Health problems. Funding cuts by Governments are also common. Housing for the poor in Shanties, Slums etc also challenges the delivery of Services.
Drugs and Alcohol also are a huge issue as individuals cope with life with little hope. Suicide is a huge issue in Australia especially Indigenous. Lots of money spent on talking but little impact on data
Papua New Guinea has recently had an election. Questions are being asked re Democracy but observers have agreed to election result. Violence was very common during the election and has increased post election. Very concerned re PNG Women as zero were elected and domestic violence a serious problem with Corruption, Male Society, Support and Education all part of the issue.
Access to help is also an issue in PNG particularly in Highlands
Indonesia has overcrowding issues, refugee issues, security problems and stateless people often found in waters around Indonesia. Local elections also caused issues based on Religion. These seem to have calmed over time.
The delivery of Mental Health Services in the over crowded cities is a big issue and identifying those with Mental Health probs is a low priority. Human R abuse is not uncommon.
Malaysia and Hong Kong have the same issues that are common in the region. Overcrowding, service delivery, poverty. The extra is relationship with China. A big influence in service delivery and security.
Phillipines has issues in Safety. Islamic Extremists are fighting on the islands.
The President Duterte has his own war against drugs. Lots of lives lost in the slum areas and many children. Justice is not always part of the process. Poverty, and Human Rights Abuse common. Getting MH help to those that need it is a challenge
Bangladesh has numerous problems and MH is low on priorities. Poverty is at heart of it. Poorly paid and workers are often taken advantage of by international companies. Poor working conditions. Severe flooding during Monsoon season. Health must be a priority to allow Bangladesh to grow.
Adressing Poverty and Inequality are not just a priority for Bangladesh but the world
There are many areas that I have not mentioned but will next time. I want to mention Rohinga problen in Myanmar. Is having a big impact on the region. !!! It does seem a solvable problem with Negotiation. I trust Aung Sun Suu Kyi but will need support from the region
Finally, North Korea has increased insecurities in the region. Trauma is huge in the world but being prepared to support those who suffer Trauma urgently is essential.
Hope this little summary has been of interest. The MOVEMENT GLOBAL MENTAL HEALTH is worth supporting
ISOLATION is my life. I push people away as soon as they get close. Always have. I hate myself and have no understanding of why anyone would seek my company.
Depression I know and have no idea how to change that mindset. Bullshit, I do but physically am not up to exercise. Every single day I contemplate suicide but have for ages. I do not have the courage to do anything about it. Gutless Bastard I am. I know that.
In tears as I write this, thinking of my daughter. She is plenty to live for but in reality I can only think about the disappointment as a father I have been. I know that any impact I can have on Grandkids would be negative. I wish Diabetes would hurry up and end the pain. For years I have heard it will kill me. Yes it makes it painful to live but Diabetes is my only choice to end it all
My eyes are shot, teeth are missing and painful, feet are so painful that walking is difficult and these together with historical back pain, arthritis and impact of stroke keep me at home. Trouble with stairs means tis lucky unit has lift access.
Isolation is all I see in my future.
I have been active on Facebook and Twitter but it is time to do less even on there. Limit my impact on others. Just not smart enough.
I try to get involved in my community at Greensquare, but it is a challenge. Getting others involved is impossible and working with BHC is difficult. I do try and I do go beyond ‘ gunna ‘ Just let myself down. I cannot think of what I can do or where ?
What have I been up to today.
Most of the morning I was supporting Aboriginal Australia after the very interesting Garma Festival. A lot of discussion re Makarrata and explained what that meant. Walking together towards peace. Truth and Justice Commission.
After that spent a few hours on Suicide Prevention. ABC shared the story of Donna Thistlewaite on Australian Story re jumping from the Story Bridge. Basically saying Never give up change will happen
Then spent time on Building Peace. Makarrata is building Peace but not so sure that my Aboriginal Friends are ready for that. Will see if Politicians are. Am concerned about the Voice in Parliment. Thinking that need to have state based Voice to advise the national voice. ” they dont speak for me ”
Domestic Violence has been on my mind. I hate all violence. Considering the triggers of Violence today.
Thinking about Uganda and visit by school assessor re acceptance as a registered school. Not likely but the feedback will be very interesting.
Need to do more re
Things also quiet on
Of course have spent ages on this site. Tech and me do not get on at all. My first page is done, please excuse spelling mistakes.